Liquor For The Mage
by blazingeyes
Summary: In his evil abode,with the help of Syaoran,his daft,but lovable assistant ,"Syaoran" plans to undertake one of the most dangerous missions of his life...holding the mage hostage.Besides,how difficult could it be? Well,he's about to find out...CRACK.


**Ok,so I was going through my old fics when I found this one. I think I wrote this YEARS ago. I don't know if I'll be finishing it anytime soon, but I thought 'What the hell?'. So,here I am. Hope you enjoy it.**

**It also crosses over with xxxholic but it's mainly Tsubasa. Anyway, this is post-acid Tokyo and pre-infinity arc. Oh and major warning: EXTREME OOC-NESS AHEAD! So be prepared to laugh your guts out! ^^**

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN TSUBASA RESERVOIR CHRONICLES. (If I did, Syaoran and Sakura would have never died! T.T)**

**Oh and here's a key:**

Clone Syaoran – Syaoran (normal)

Real Syaoran – **Syaoran (in bold)**

Speech – "in quotes"

Thoughts – _in italics _

**Anyway, if there are any more clarifications just ask via review or PM! And now, onto the story!**

**CHAPTER 1: ESTABLISHING THE PLAN**

"This is it."

"Right…it is?"

"It _is._"

"Right…what is it again?"

Syaoran turned around impressively as his favorite 'dracula cape' fluttered majestically in the wind. He looked out of the window with a power-hungry look in his eyes. He resumed the conversation,

"Today is the day when we execute our perfectly designed plan to kidnap the magician who calls himself Fai D. Flowright for our own selfish and fruitful reasons!" he finished this with a slightly maniacal laugh. Then he sharply turned to the brown-eyed boy sitting behind him.

"You comprehend, **Syaoran?" **

**Syaoran **had been staring at him with a dreamy, unfocused look on his face all this while, but the sound of his name jerked him back to reality.

"Uh, yeah of course sir!" He immediately sprung to his feet in attention.

"Then repeat what I just said." Said Syaoran coldly.

**Syaoran **smiled at him in a don't-worry sort of way and recited at top speed,

"You said that today is the day we extract a perfectly decayed tooth from the magician who calls himself Fai D. Fluoride for our jellyfish and fruit salad. Wait for it! I can perfectly explain it to you too! See, Fai's tooth got decayed cause his toothpaste has no fluoride in it, even though his name is Fai. D. Fluoride. So we're gonna use his decayed tooth as the key ingredient for our jellyfish and fruit salad!"

Syaoran fainted. **Syaoran **yelped in alarm and started running around in hysterics yelling,

"OH NO I KILLED HIM! I KILLED HIM! OMG NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"I'm not dead nitwit."

**Syaoran **turned around really, really slowly. In fact he was still turning after five minutes had passed.

"GET OVER HERE IDIOT!"

"Hehehe…" he giggled insanely, "I was trying to do a slo-mo like in those movies you know wher-"

"ENOUGH!"

"Right, I'm coming! I'm coming!" he hurried over to where Syaoran lay slumped on the ground.

"Come closer…"

He did.

"Closer…"

He did again.

"CLOSER YOU DOOFUS! I WANT YOU TO BE SO CLOSE TO MY FACE THAT A PERSON LOOKING FROM THE WINDOW WOULD THINK WE WERE KISSING!"

For an instant there was a look of total incomprehension on both of their faces. Then one face went extremely red, and the other one went extremely white.

**Syaoran **was the one who had gone red. I mean, sure he had vocabulary problems but he _did _know what 'kiss' meant.

"Dude," he said finally, "I know you like me and all, but _kissing _you would be like…like we were gay or something!"

Syaoran looked like he would have liked to commit suicide that very instant. (And indeed, it seemed a very tempting idea…) But no. He was a man and he would face the world like a man! Well he was only fifteen but he had chest hair!

"Look," he said finally, "Just forget what I said and let's concentrate on the plan. Let me repeat to you in such simple words that even your dim brain can understand! Okay. So…"

He paused; trying to think of words simple enough to convey his message to the exceedingly dumb boy in front of him (who was currently poking a finger in one ear to see if it would come out from his other ear…)

"Right. You know who Fai is right?"

"Fai…wait I know this one! Um…er…"

"He's a magician." Said Syaoran impatiently, "Anyway we…"

"WOAH WAIT A MINUTE! Like, when you say 'magician' you mean like someone who can do _actual magic?_" There was an extremely awestruck look on **Syaoran's **face.

Syaoran took a reaaaaaaaaaaly deep breath to calm himself down.

"_Yes Syaoran he can do magic now will you let me get to the point?!"_

"I can live with that…" he shrugged. Suddenly he stood up, "…right after I get myself a snack…"

Syaoran pulled his arm so fast that he almost dislocated his shoulder.

"NO! We can do that later. Now LISTEN. So what did I tell you so far?" He sounded like a teacher checking if his student had been listening in class or not.

"Right…so there's this magician called…called…" **Syaoran **screwed up his face and tried to remember.

"FAI! GET THAT INTO YOUR HEAD! HIS NAME IS FAI! F-A-I FAI!"

"Whoa I get it! You don't have to yell…so what about Fai?"

"We're going to kidnap him."

"He's not a kid."

"What?" said Syaoran distractedly, "of course he's not a kid, so what?"

"So we can't _kid_nap him." He said simply.

By now Syaoran was SERIOUSLY thinking of suicide. How easy would it be to just jump out of the window? After all, it was just behind him…

Suddenly, seized by the thrilling desire to kill himself, Syaoran sprang to his feet and started climbing out the window.

"THIS IS IT! BYE BYE STUPID EARTH! HELLOOOO HEAVEN!" He jumped; and landed on the flower bed which was 30 inches below. **Syaoran **peeped out of the window at him curiously.

"COOL…should _I _try that?"

He jumped right on top of Syaoran who felt that if anything, **Syaoran's **weight would kill him at least!

"Seriously, _what do you eat?" _

"Anything."

"You can't eat _anything." _Said Syaoran testily.

"Yeah you can." **Syaoran **retorted back, "I'd eat YOU if I wanted to."

"UGH! GROSS! Don't get ideas…"

"Hey you're a one to talk! You ate Fai's eye didn't you?"

"So how is it you only remember Fai NOW?"

"Uh…who are we talking about again?"

"FORGET IT! Now just get off me…" **Syaoran **obeyed and they both clambered back in. Syaoran was still grumbling about his failed suicide attempt.

"…remind me next time that we should live in a castle that's 10,000 feet above ground."

"Kay. I'm gonna watch some TV now."

"Yeah you do that…hey, wait a minute, YOU CAN'T WATCH TV NOW!"

But **Syaoran **was no longer listening and had already settled himself in front of the TV.

Well, idiots do need their idiot boxes so you can't really blame him…

Back to Syaoran; suddenly he sat down on the floor and started crying his eyes out. In about 15 seconds there was a puddle of water around him.

_60 minutes later…_

'AHAHAHAHAHAHAH! THAT WAS THE BEST! HAHAHAHAHAHAH! REPLAY!"

**Syaoran **rolled around in hysterical laughter as he watched his favorite cartoon for the 1234567890th time. (A/N: Okay I admit that's an exaggeration but this is a crack fic so what the hell! xD)

Meanwhile, Syaoran's 'puddle of tears' had nearly become a flood. It was amazing how much water the eyes could store! Finally **Syaoran **turned off the TV and idly noticed the large amount of salty water in the room.

"Wow…I should like, totally make a paper boat!"

Upon hearing this, Syaoran immediately snapped back to reality. He stood up with as much dignity he could muster with salty water pouring out of every open pore in his body and said,

"**Syaoran**!"

"Yeah?"

"Clean this up."

"Okay."

"Thanks."

"No prob."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…I thought we were supposed to be kidnapping some magician called Fai?"

At that instant, Syaoran was so happy that he actually ran up to **Syaoran **and hugged him tightly. Too tight for comfort though.

"Gah….can't…breathe...Syao…"

"You actually understood the plan…and remembered it too!"

"Yeah!" said **Syaoran **realization suddenly dawning brightly on his face, "Yeah! So as a prize…I GET TO WATCH MORE CARTOONS! YAY!"

"NO! WE execute phase one of the plan…RIGHT NOW!"

"Okay,okay…" said **Syaoran **who was starting to get seriously bored(damn it was five thirty and his second favorite cartoon would have already started!), "…so what's phase one?"

"_Find the mage." _

All at once **Syaoran **himself seemed unimpressed.

"Dude! We're kidnapping someone and we don't even know where he is?"

"Um…that's your first job as…" he searched for a fitting word, "…as…as CARTOON KING SYAORAN! CKS for short." He added smartly.

**Syaoran's **eyes were as wide as saucers.

"_Seriously?"_

"Yep."

"_Seriously? Seriously?"_

"Yes…"

"_Seriously?Seriously?Seriously?"_

"YES FOR THE BEEPING LOVE OF KAMI I _AM _SERIOUS! SO _GOOOOO!" _

"RIGHT!"

And in half a second he vanished. Syaoran walked in and suppressed a yawn. He clicked the remote.

"…and now, to watch those diaper ads in peace!"

xxxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxx x

**A/N: LMAO! That was the longest chapter for a crack fic I have EVER written! Anyway, tell me what you think via review. It's REALLY easy! Just click the helpful little button there below…you know you want to! ;)**

_~blazing-chan~_


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